Snakes and Sexy
by ohwhatsherface
Summary: SasuSaku. Maybe you should just stick to the whipped cream and handcuffs.


"You're kidding me, right?"

Sakura glared at Kakashi, who had his face buried in the nth edition in his Icha Icha collection.

"You're not seriously suggesting that I do _that_ for Sasuke-kun for Christmas."

Kakashi shrugged.

"It was only an idea," he said nonchalantly, flipping his page. "But I'm not the one who's having problems finding him a Christmas present."

(Sakura frowned at the underlying message of:

_Some girlfriend you are…_)

"But…"

She fiddled with the hem of her red blouse while trying to hide her blush.

"I don't like snakes. They freak me out."

Kakashi peeked up from the dirty novel for a moment to give her an incredulous look.

"You summon slugs, Sakura. _Slugs_. Those have slime all over them. They crawl on you sometimes, yet you're scared to put a snake—"

"I'm not _scared_," she interrupted loudly.

Kakashi snorted inwardly.

(Apparently Sasuke and Naruto weren't the only ones from his little band of misfits who had too much pride.)

"I just…"

She shuddered.

"God, what you're suggesting… it's like a scene straight out of a porno!"

Her teacher had the nerve to smile and pat her on the head.

"Sakura, that's the point."

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**Snakes and Sexy  
**by: ohwhatsherface

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inspired by:  
_His fantasy_ by nami86

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To: Anne  
From: Pina  
MERRY CHRISTMAS!

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"Wow, who would've thought Sasuke had such a um, _wild_ imagination—"

"Shut. Up. Ino."

Sakura felt rather embarrassed to be in the lingerie store at the moment, which she thought was rather stupid because she had been in this store many, many times, it was just that _this_ time she wasn't in there for some normal bras and panties.

No.

Now…

Now she was looking for _lingerie_-lingerie.

Like _sexy_ lingerie.

Like—

"Crotchless panties, g-strings, lace thongs—"

"Shut. _Up_. Ino."

The blond snickered from behind the lilac lace panties she was holding up. She glanced at Sakura, who was examining a cute, pink babydoll ensemble and Ino couldn't help but laugh at the dark flush on the cheeks of her best friend.

"Sakura," Ino said, her voice now serious. She put a hand on her shoulder and smiled. "Sakura, this isn't as bad as you're making it seem. So what if you're boyfriend wants you to get kinky with snakes? To each his own, right?"

"_Oh my god_!"

Sakura looked around fearfully and then glared at Ino.

"I can't believe you just said it out loud! It is _supposed_ to be our secret!"

As Sakura proceeded to bite her head off for 'speaking what was not supposed to be spoken in the open', Ino went through a rack of Christmas themed babydolls hoping to find something Sakura would possibly feel _somewhat_ comfortable in.

"Okay, okay, I'm _sorry_…"

Ino sniggered mischievously.

"…Sorry that I mentioned that little Sasu-chan wants you to be some little _snake stripper_!"

Sakura tried to calm herself by counting to ten, but that had no effect.

"_Shut. Up. Ino._"

And suddenly, Ino was a bit afraid.

"Eh…?"

Ino smiled nervously and shoved a nice looking babydoll that seemed as modest as they were going to get with its black, lacy material. Sure, it wasn't completely Christmas-y, but what mattered was that Sakura looked hot, since she herself was going to be the present.

"H—Hey, Sakura-chan, calm down—OH MY GOD GET AWAY FROM ME YOU PSYCHO!"

"_YOU FREAKING_ _PIG_! GET BACK HERE!"

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Anko seemed very supportive of her um, _present_ for Sasuke, Sakura noted as she remembered watching the woman coo at some sort of snake, telling it to be nice and not hurt Sakura, and that it had to stick around for a good two hours at the least and then it was free to poof away. After Sakura had explained the present she had planned for the night, Anko merely smirked mischievously, gave her some extra tips and er, _ideas_, and then proceeded to get Sakura her supplies.

(Or well, supply.

Singular.

There was no way in _hell_ she'd use more than one.)

Sure, her help meant Sakura had to get the eccentric woman a Christmas present as well, but it was all for her Sasuke-kun.

Who should be arriving to her apartment any second then…

Sakura shivered as she promptly stripped off her warm, thick, _conservative _robe, letting it fall to the floor, revealing her outfit.

There was no point in wasting her effort of brining Ino along, Sakura had decided after the blond had run away from the lingerie shop earlier, throwing an outfit in her face. Ino had good taste when it came to things sexy or flirtatious, which is why Sakura picked her to be a helper of sorts.

For that part, anyway.

"Thissss issss sssstupid…"

Sakura glared at the snake moving around on the floor of her bedroom as she continued to go around the room lighting candles.

The dark bedroom was dimly lit up with help of the many, many candles put everywhere. There were some rose petals on her freshly changed sheets of Egyptian cotton, and some incense was lingering in the air.

"Shut up," she muttered. "I think it's stupid too, but my boyfriend seems to _want_ this, therefore I will do this. For him. For Christmas."

She nodded with much determination.

"Oh my god that bastard better have something _good_ to give me too!"

"What musssst I do?" the summoned snake asked, its tongue sticking out as if mocking her.

(It wasn't.

She was just sad and paranoid.)

"Linger," Sakura said after a moment of thinking. "Just stay on my arms. Or belly. Somewhere that he should look. That's it. Don't move. Snakes bother me."

Sakura made an apologetic face at the animal.

"Er, sorry…"

"No offensssse taken…"

The door to the apartment opened and Sakura then realized Sasuke was there.

"Oi, Sakura!"

Sakura jumped slightly before kicking her robe to the corner of the room and then rather roughly picking the snake up.

"Um, I'm in the bedroom!" she called back.

When she heard his footsteps coming in her direction, she looked down with a semi mortified expression.

"Okay," she hissed to the snake while quickly placing herself onto the bed in a rather suggestive position. "Make me look sexy."

"Ssssexy?"

"Yes, _ssssexy_!" Sakura whispered back loudly.

If the snake could nod, it probably would have.

As the door started to open up, the snake began to _slither_ on her _bare skin_.

Sakura bit her lip and struggled to look sexy.

_Okay. Sexy. Sexy. Channel your inner porn star Sakura. Channel it!_

Her confidence momentarily wavered.

_This is freaking hard_.

(The graveness of the situation made itself clear to her when Inner Sakura didn't form some dirty joke from her thoughts.)

The door opened and Sasuke stepped in, shocked as ever.

"S—Sakura…!"

(She couldn't help but smirk inwardly and pride herself with the blush on his cheeks.

Score.)

Had she not been extremely uncomfortable at the moment though, she would have done that smirk on the outside.

But she couldn't.

She wouldn't.

There was a _snake_ sitting on her naked belly.

His dark eyes turned dazed and he looked rather interested, and as he began to move toward her, the snake moved again.

Finally, embarrassingly, Sakura gave into her _not-fear_.

"OH MY GOD! GET IT OFF! GET IT _OFF_!"

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Looking at things in retrospect, Sakura decided that if she ever wanted to be sexy, she would go for the whole innocent, naïve, little girl act, or she could even go the dominatrix way, but never ever would she do something involving snakes again.

It had yet to occur to her to put her robe back on as she and Sasuke sat side-by-side on her bed, both a bit embarrassed as she told him _why_ she had done what she did.

Sasuke nodded tightly.

"Right. So Kakashi _told_ you this? _He _is the one who gave you this… idea?"

Sakura shook her head in confirmation.

"Yep. He said when you guys went drinking, you spilled that little secret and he's been waiting for the perfect moment to blackmail you, but when he went Christmas shopping with me and saw how much I was struggling to get you a perfect present, he gave me that idea…"

She looked to the side where Sasuke was and noticed that his blush was dying down.

"I'm sorry. That turned out very not sexy."

Sasuke cleared his throat.

"No, it's okay."

She frowned at him.

"No, it's _not_ okay!" Sakura muttered, now kneeling on the bed while he merely sat down so that she could seem a bit taller. "I probably destroyed any future hot fantasies you may have about me—oof!"

Sakura grunted when she roughly hit the mattress, Sasuke leaning over her.

"You don't have to dress up for me, for Christmas."

He pressed a finger against her lips before she could start talking again.

"All I want for Christmas is you."

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**THE END.**

**MERRY CHRISTMAS**

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"…That was really cheesy."

"Sakura, just shut up."


End file.
